


Backwash

by mysid



Category: The Charioteer - Mary Renault
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-30 22:17:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8551291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysid/pseuds/mysid
Summary: Rev. Straike finds out.





	1. Chapter 1

_“I should have said it was Langham. What if he runs into Jeepers again before he forgets? You’ll be the one to get the backwash.”_ Ralph to Laurie in _The Charioteer._

 

Three years. Three entire years and he hadn’t suspected a thing. Perhaps that wasn’t entirely true. 

He’d always known there was something odd about his wife’s son, but he’d blamed it upon the boy not having a man about the house while he was growing up. He was too much his mother’s child; she’d coddled him too much. But Gareth Straike was a fair man. He knew his wife had meant well, and it wasn’t her fault she hadn’t been able to raise her son the way a boy ought to be raised. The boy had needed a father to toughen him up.

He should have realised something was wrong when Laurence began to share a flat with his schoolmate. He’d accepted Laurence’s explanation that the housing shortage in the city, brought about by the war as so many other inconveniences were, necessitated his sharing a flat with someone. Who better than a former schoolmate?

He probably would have realised it was all a lie immediately if Lanyon had seemed as much of a Nancy-boy as Laurence. Lanyon. Lanyon had fooled him. He seemed so normal, the sort of man’s man that Gareth had wished Laurence could be. He’d actually hoped that Lanyon would be a good influence on Laurence, would help toughen him up.

“Man’s man. Ha,” he muttered to himself as he watched the countryside speed past the train’s window in a grey-green blur. He’d never hear that phrase quite the same way again; it had acquired an entirely new sick twist.

And what was he going to tell Lucy? This would kill her. Gareth almost wished he hadn’t run into old Mumps Jepson and invited him to lunch.

Lunch had started out well enough. Gareth loved the “small world” aspect of being able to tell Mumps that he married the mother of one of the boys from his house. Laurence had been Head Prefect of the house, so Gareth was certain that Mumps would remember him. Nor was he disappointed. Mumps had spoken highly of Laurence: his swimming achievements, his leadership within the house. Gareth had made a mental note of these compliments so he could share them with Lucy. 

“He probably could have been Head Prefect of the School,” Mumps had continued, “if our house hadn’t still been under a bit of a dark cloud at the time. Just a year or two earlier, the house had suffered that whole Lanyon-Hazell scandal, and you know how the after-effects of a scandal tend to linger. Otherwise, I think Odell would have got the job.” 

“Lanyon, did you say?” Gareth had asked as calmly as he could manage.

“I did tell you about this, didn’t I? The last time we met?”

Gareth nodded. “One of the prefects and a younger student, wasn’t it?”

“Not _just_ a prefect,” Mumps said as he leaned closer to emphasize the confidential nature of the discussion. “Our Head Boy. Made it all very hard to hush up. If any other two boys had been caught indulging in such unnatural gratifications of the flesh, we could have simply dismissed them and good riddance. But _Lanyon_. He was very nearly a god to the younger boys. Good looking, well respected, a natural-born leader, tall and slim. 

“And then to find out he’d been abusing his position to take advantage of the younger boys—and _how_ he misused them—well.” Mumps had sat back then and taken a sip of his drink. Gareth, believing that Mumps didn’t wish to share the more disgusting details, was almost startled when Mumps had continued. “According to young Hazell, he and Lanyon had been engaging in various unnatural acts for two months when things became even more sordid. Lanyon found it sexually gratifying to _beat_ him. Can you imagine such a thing?” Mumps had asked with a smile. 

Now watching the scenery speed by, Gareth found himself wondering if Lanyon’s perversions still took the same bizarre form. His contempt for his stepson grew even stronger. He was allowing himself to be beaten and sodomized. He was actually living with the man so they could indulge in this unnatural behaviour often. “Sick,” he muttered. 

No, he wouldn’t tell Lucy. Not yet. He’d have it out with Laurence first, man to man. He’d try and make him see reason and straighten out his life. It had to be Lanyon’s influence. Mumps had said that the younger boys had worshipped him, and Lucy had said very nearly the same thing about how Laurence had felt about his older schoolmate when he was a boy. For some reason, the lack of a father-figure perhaps, Laurence had never grown out of his boyhood regard for Lanyon. But now Laurence did have a father, and he was going to put his foot down and insist that Laurence stay away from that disgusting sodomite.

After all, he was a man of God. He owed it to the young man to help him realize that he was living contrary to God’s plan. If he could just be made to live an upright and righteous life, God in his infinite mercy would forgive his past sins. And if God could forgive Laurence, Gareth would certainly try—for Lucy’s sake.

_\--July 2005_


	2. Chapter 2

Laurie tried to keep as quiet as possible as he washed up his breakfast dishes. Ralph’s current duty rotation meant that he had only got to sleep an hour ago. Ralph always tried to not wake Laurie when he came to bed in the early morning hours, but Laurie usually woke at the first sound of Ralph coming into the room. A whispered early morning conversation and later, supper together after Laurie returned home—just before Ralph had to leave—were all the time they had together just now. Laurie wouldn’t waste any of it by sleeping late. And even though today was Laurie’s day off from work, he’d awoken early as usual and then been unable to go back to sleep. He’d waited until Ralph had fallen asleep before slipping out of bed and leaving the bedroom. They planned to spend the afternoon together, but Laurie had the morning to fill first. 

He thought perhaps he’d shop for a birthday gift for his mother. He hoped that if he got the “right” gift, it would blunt her disappointment when Laurie made his visit for her birthday as brief as possible. The less time he spent with her husband, the better for everyone.

At the sound of a knock at the door, Laurie immediately looked toward the bedroom door to make certain it was tightly closed and that Ralph wouldn’t be disturbed. Satisfied, he wiped his hands dry on a kitchen towel and headed for the door. He still needed the walking stick for longer distances, but within the flat, keeping track of it was more trouble than it was worth. The person at the door knocked again, a bit louder, just before Laurie could reach it.

Upon opening the door, Laurie was very surprised to see the scowling countenance of his mother’s husband, and even more surprised to see that she was not with him. Involuntarily, he glanced toward the bedroom door again, assuring himself that both Ralph and the bedroom they shared were hidden from view. He then summoned the strength to smile at the detested man and play his required role as host.

“This is a surprise. Won’t you come in, Gareth?” he asked as he stepped back from the door and allowed the larger man to go past him. “Mother didn’t let me know that you’d be here today.” Laurie spoke in a quiet voice, hoping Straike would follow suit and not wake up Ralph. 

“I didn’t discuss it with her,” Straike said as he looked around the flat with an appraising air. He picked up a magazine from an end table, glanced at the title, and dropped it back again.

Laurie began to feel distinctly uneasy; he tried to hide his unease by going through the motions that everything was well. “Would you like a cup of tea? The kettle’s still hot." Wanting to keep this uncomfortable meeting as brief as possible, Laurie added, “I was planning to go out, but I have time for one cup.”

“I see _he_ ’s still living here,” Straike said with a nod at Ralph’s cap on a table near the door.

Now the vague unease began to take a defined shape. Straike knew. Laurie continued to go through the motions of making tea. Behaving as if nothing was wrong was no longer a pretence, but rather a statement. “You’re in luck. We happen to have a bit of milk this morning. You take sugar as well, don’t you?”

“I happened to run into Eustace Jepson the other day,” Straike said as he leaned back against the desk and crossed his arms.

“Really?” Laurie tried to maintain the illusion that he was calm, but a barely perceptible tremor of his hand caused the spout of the teapot to clink against the cup as he poured. “And how is old Jepson?”

“We had a very interesting conversation about your _friend_ , Lanyon.”

“I’m certain that you did,” Laurie replied as he put Straike’s tea down on the table before the sofa and settled himself into an armchair with the other cup. Staying on one’s feet during this sort of confrontation was all very well and good, but not when one didn’t trust one’s knee not to buckle at the wrong moment. “I’m also certain that half of it was untrue.”

Straike stared down at Laurie in disgust. “Do you expect me to believe he isn’t—isn’t—” He floundered hopelessly for the right words.

Laurie calmly put down his cup and saucer. “Queer? No, I don’t expect you to believe that he isn’t. I only said that ‘half’ of what Jepson probably said was a lie. The boy Ralph was seeing when we were all in school embroidered the truth a bit when he made his rather reckless confession.”

“And you’re living _here_ , with _him_?”

Laurie raised his chin and looked Straike directly in the eye. “Yes. There’s no need to look so shocked. You’ve half believed I’m queer since the first day we met. Now you know.”

Straike’s eyes narrowed as he stared down at Laurie in disgust. “You don’t even have the decency to be ashamed of this—this—unnatural behaviour.”

“I’m not ashamed of being in love with Ralph.” He knew that Straike was referring to his actions, not his emotions, but it all stemmed from being in love. He loved Ralph, and there was nothing ‘unnatural’ in acting on those feelings.

Straike’s face reddened in anger. “How _dare_ you—how do you dare to call this—this _abomination_ love. It’s sinful; it’s unnatural; it’s—”

“It’s none of your damn business,” Ralph said from the doorway of the bedroom. He was dressed neatly in his uniform trousers and a crisp white shirt, although he hadn’t taken the time to put on his tie. Laurie guessed that Ralph had dressed quickly as soon as their raised voices awoke him.

Straike looked even angrier than before—it that were possible—but with a sneer of disgust as he turned his head to glare at Ralph. “This is your fault, isn’t it?” 

Ralph didn’t reply—Laurie guessed that he didn’t feel he could deny it—but he continued to hold his head high, every inch the officer even in only a partial uniform. But this wasn’t his battle; it was Laurie’s. “Leave Ralph out of this,” he said. “Whatever it is you’ve come to say, you can say to me.”

“I can’t ‘leave him out of this’,” Straike said as he tore his gaze away from Ralph to look at Laurie again. “He didn’t leave you out, did he? Hold old were you when this—this— _sodomite_ started coming after you?”

Beyond Straike, Laurie could see Ralph watching him with concern in his eyes. He imagined Ralph guiltily saying, _“Sixteen,”_ but Laurie hardly thought one innocent kiss merited remorse. He smiled at Ralph and said, “Twenty-three, and _this_ sodomite is very glad he did.”

Straike made a noise of disgust, reclaiming Laurie’s full attention as he took a step closer. Ralph also moved closer in alarm, but Straike simply stood in front of Laurie, arms akimbo, and glared down at him. “Don’t you have any sense of shame at all?”

Now that Straike was hovering over him, glaring down, Laurie wished desperately that he were on his feet, but he knew better than to attempt to struggle to his feet now. Since he was trapped in a relaxed posture, he feigned an attitude of indifference to Straike’s words. “For being in love?” 

“For indulging in this unnatural behaviour; for violating the laws of God and nature.”

“No,” Laurie said with a smile. It was the simple truth, but Laurie enjoyed that his answer would enrage Straike. It seemed to work; the vein in his neck throbbed against the confining collar a half-size too small.

“And what of your mother? After all she sacrificed for you and did for you, are you so ungrateful that you care nothing for her happiness? Don’t you care that you’re disappointing her in this way?”

“Of course I care,” Laurie snapped back. “Which is why I’ve never told her.” Many times he had wished he could speak to her of this, both so he wouldn’t feel like a liar by withholding this essential part of himself and because he wanted to share his happiness at being in love. But telling her would have been a selfish act. Such knowledge would only be a burden to her. “She can’t be hurt by this if she _doesn’t know_ ,” Laurie said as he looked pointedly at Straike.

“Do you expect me to keep your filthy little secret? To lie to your mother to protect you?”

“No, I’m simply pointing out that if you do tell her, you’ll be the one causing her pain.”

“Oh no, you aren’t making this my responsibility. You’re the one who’s hurting her, even if she doesn’t know it yet.” Straike shook his head as he took a step back, and then started in surprise when he realized how close Ralph was to him. 

“I think it’s time for you to leave,” Ralph said calmly. Laurie took advantage of Straike’s divided attention to leverage himself to his feet; he refused to leave Ralph with sole responsibility for throwing the man out. Straike suddenly found himself faced with two grim-faced men not so subtly pressuring him toward the door.

Straike scowled at each of them in turn and headed for the door with all the dignity he could muster. Laurie remained by the chair while Ralph escorted Straike to the door, giving the impression of a guard escorting a prisoner. Straike paused before going out, and stared at Ralph. “ _You_ are not to _ever_ set foot in my house again.”

“My pleasure,” Ralph said with a smile. 

Straike turned to regard Laurie. He looked as if he wished he could say the same to his stepson but didn’t dare, yet. “You are, in every way, a disappointment,” and then he was gone.

Ralph closed the door behind him, firmly, and then locked it. 

“Are you all right, Spud?” Ralph asked as strode back to where Laurie waited in front of the armchair. 

“Surprisingly, yes,” Laurie replied as Ralph gripped his right elbow and cupped Laurie’s cheek with his free hand. “It had to be got through sooner or later, I suppose. Now it’s just a matter of waiting for the other shoe to drop. He’s vindictive enough that he’ll tell my mother, so—there’ll be that to get through. I just don’t know if he’ll do it right away, or wait until I’m present for maximum impact. ‘Happy birthday, Lucy dear. Did you know your son’s queer?’” he said with a bitter smile. “But I don’t think we need to worry about his going to the police. He doesn’t hate me enough to embarrass my mother with that sort of scandal.”

“No, he’ll keep quiet for his own sake. He’ll be afraid he might look bad as a clergyman who can’t even keep his own stepson from living ‘a life of sin’.” Something about the way Ralph spoke suggested to Laurie that this wasn’t a spur of the moment thought but rather a conclusion he’d come to after some deliberation. Ralph had probably been expecting Straike to make this discovery since the day they’d first met.

Ralph subtly steered Laurie to the sofa, and Laurie allowed himself to be led. There was something very comforting in being able to nestle against one another, arms wrapped around one another. He realized for the first time that Ralph was barefoot. He smiled to himself as he imagined Ralph rushing to dress so he could charge in to Laurie’s defence.

“You’ve never told me how bad it was when you went home after you left school,” Laurie said. He settled his head against Ralph’s shoulder and waited to see if Ralph would answer.

After a pause, long enough that Laurie was about to tell Ralph that he didn’t need to reply, Ralph said, “Much worse. For a clergyman, Straike isn’t particularly eloquent. One would think he’d have made a greater effort to make you see ‘the error of your sinful ways’ and persuade you ‘to seek salvation’.”

“He doesn’t care enough about me to make the effort,” Laurie replied; then he laughed. “I never thought I’d be glad we dislike each other.”

“I’m proud of you,” Ralph said quietly but with great feeling. “Standing up to him when he tried to make you feel ashamed—it must have been difficult for you. I know it’s always been an issue for you.”

“What do you mean?” Laurie asked. He looked at Ralph in genuine confusion. 

Ralph smiled back at him and tenderly stroked his hair back from his brow. “Sex, Spud. Some part of you has always been ashamed of desiring sex.”

“No.” Laurie was still confused. He didn’t think he’d ever acted in a way to give Ralph that impression.

“Spuddy,” Ralph said with an indulgent smile. “I _know_ you.”

Laurie had found the idea of sex merely for the sake of sake of self-indulgence—like Charles’s friends or some of Sandy’s friends—to be distasteful, but he’d always avoided that. For him, sexual desire had always grown out of genuine affection and love, and he honestly could find nothing shameful in acting on those feelings. He wanted to explain this to Ralph and searched for a way to do so without seeming to condemn Ralph for his past.

“I’ve _never_ been ashamed of desiring you,” Laurie began—Ralph gave him the indulgent and disbelieving smile again—“or if I did when we first began it was just because the situation was complicated. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you while I was in love with someone else. But I’ve never been ashamed of what I am.”

“Never?” Ralph asked with a searching look. “You’d be the odd one out among us if that were true. We all go through that stage at some point early on.”

“I guess I have you to thank that I didn’t. When we were in school, I wanted to be just like you. How could I possibly have been ashamed to discover that I _was_ like you?” Laurie smiled as he explained, and was immensely gratified to see Ralph smile back in a mildly embarrassed way. “ _And_ you were first person I ever fancied. How could I possibly be ashamed of fancying someone as amazing as you?”

“No,” Laurie continued, “I’ve never been ashamed of desiring you.” He slowly unbuttoned Ralph’s shirt as he spoke. Words could only take one so far.

_—Written August 2OO5_


End file.
